Thursday, August 6, 2015

Starting a new chapter

On Wednesday August 12, this sweet chocolate face will be starting kindergarten.  As you may or may not know, I'm a stay at home mom.  I have been since Mr. D was about 4 months old.  I've always wanted to stay home with my kids.  My mom stayed home with me and I always thought that was so important to raise my kids. I have nothing against working moms, I have lots of friends who are, just for ME this was of high importance. So I have been home with my babies for the better part of 9 years.  Yes you read that right, 9 years! 

But in just about a week this sweet little girl who has become my favorite shopping buddy will leave me for the big exciting world of kindergarten. Look at that face!  How can you not just wanna eat her! LOL 

And while I'm excited to find more time for working out (hello marathon in less than 100 days!) and having lunch dates with this hottie, my heart is also very heavy.  I remember Mr. D's first day of kindergarten and the anxiety that he was feeling about being away from me all day with people he didn't know.  I remember hugging him and telling him I loved him and to shine for Jesus. I also remember sobbing the entire drive home praying that he would be ok and that school would be a good experience for him.  When I dropped Mr. S off I remember shedding a couple tears but that boy needed to go to school!  He is way to smart for his own good and needed the challenge that school brings.  He was more than ready and so was I!  

But this?  My baby girl?  The child for whom I prayed and begged God to give me?  When I got pregnant with Miss V we had decided it would be out last child.  My body doesn't handle pregnancy well and having 3 under 3 was definitely a handful. So we decided boy or girl we would be done at 3.  So I immediately hit my knees every night begging and pleading with God to give us a girl.  Actually I prayed for twin girls but that is a whole nother story.  But I prayed and prayed for her to be a girl.  To be a healthy baby girl.  And praise Him she is happy and healthy and has been from the start.  I even have this verse in her room because I found it to be so true and fitting for us.

But now that desire of my heart is getting ready to go out in the big world and where does that leave me? Am I still a stay at home mom if there are no kids at home? I know that my place is still here taking care of my family.  I know that my days will still be filled with laundry and dishes and cleaning the house and making sure everyone has everything they need.  But without doing things with them, what does that make me?  Where does that leave me? I'm struggling with this a lot.  A lot more than I would care to admit.  I feel like I'm having a midlife crisis.  The woman that I have become over the last 9 years is suddenly in a place where she has never been before.  Some times freedom and new experiences are good and some times bad but they almost always come with some anxiety for me.  What will life look like for me over the next year? Will I still feel useful and like my place is here as they all get on the bus and I'm left alone? Is it selfish to do my training while they are gone and focus on me for a bit? I have so many mixed emotions. I'm not ready for next week but I don't have to be! We will take it one day at a time and God will give me the strength and peace to put that sweet baby girl of mine on the big yellow bus and wave happily while they drive away.  

Love, Lacey