Thursday, April 23, 2015

I want to be happy

I want to be happy.  I think that is something most people want. . .  But today (this whole week really) isn't the time.  You see one of my best friends has lost someone so near and dear to her that my heart breaks just thinking about it.  She lost her big brother.  Death is a really sad, hurtful, horrible thing for those of us left here.  Even when someone is old and you can say "She lived a long full life" it still hurts.  I remember being at my grandmother's funeral and thinking "She lived a long time. I shouldn't' be sad.  I'll see her again." But you know what? I was sad.  And I still am some times.  When I see something that reminds me of her.  Or think of how she used to answer the phone or her beautiful wrap around porch at her house. Or when I look at Miss V her namesake.  I can't help but think what would Grandma think? She never met my husband or saw my kids or our house.  What would she think? She was the most loving & kind hearted person.  She was a widow at 30 with 2 kids at home and 1 on the way. They lived on a farm with crops and cattle and other livestock and she never remarried. I often wonder why but do you think I thought to ask her while she was here? Nope! My guess is her kids came first and she was so busy supporting them that there was no time. She was truly an amazing person.

But back to being happy.  I just can't.  Does that mean I'm walking around upset and mad and feeling emotional all day?  Not at all.  But this verse came to mind.

I have lived this verse so many times.  Thankfully most of them were rejoicing with my friends and family.  So many weddings, babies, jobs, houses, cars & answers to prayer.  I rejoice when my friends rejoice.  I'm happy for them when they are happy or something good happens to them.  But the verse doesn't stop there. It goes on to say "Mourn with those who mourn" or I've heard "weep with those who weep".  Mourn seems more appropriate today as I walk through a sad horrible unthinkable time with my friend. So while I want to be happy and show you so many great things that are happening in our house I just can't.  I want to share how my running is going, I want to show you this amazing new bookshelf I found, but I can't. I'm trying to be respectful of my friend and her loss.  I want her to know how much she is loved & how her brother will not be forgotten. That life will get better.  That grief and loss are a roller coaster.  As you know we experienced a loss in our family earlier this year and most my days are fine. But every now and then I'll find a picture or hear a bird or go to text our family and think of our loss.  I don't text or call my brother-in-law & sister-in-law as much as I should.  I don't tell them enough how I'm praying for them. But I do constantly. Death is a strange, sad, empty thing for those of us left behind. So bear with me while I mourn with my friend. I promise to update you this weekend or next week about my training & show you my bookshelf. I love you all.  I pray for peace and comfort for those who have lost someone dear to them. 

Love, Lacey